As I wrote in my last post, I’m really struggling with thinking about the future.
I’ve now spent the best part of a decade having to change and adapt to the things that my body throws at me and how that affects my life, both personally and professionally.
Now I seem to be at a point where I’ve tried a bunch of stuff, made changes, tried more stuff, made more changes, and I’ve just ended up back in bed again. It just gets incredibly difficult and frustrating.
My poor parents have had to deal with several breakdowns over the last few days because of this. I think the biggest thing is that I had a job where every accommodation was made to try and help me work…and I still wasn’t well enough. And y’know, working from home bores me to tears most of the time…I’m a do-er.
I was very seriously considering going to law school part time (but mainly as a ‘fuck you’ to my body to prove I could) and after speaking to the head of the school, realised that the health-accommodations I would need wouldn’t be met. I think this is one of the most challenging aspects about conditions that can fluctuate so much.
I had a chat with a good friend of mine the other night and we were trying to figure out a solution, and we literally couldn’t think of one. Even if on a Monday I said I would commit to x hours that week, something could happen on Tuesday and I’d be unable to make that work. It makes me feel useless (when I know I’m anything but) and like I’m letting myself and other people down when I can’t do the work I’m supposed to do.
This has made sticking to my health management strategies even more difficult. If I feel horrific anyway, I don’t want to eat well or exercise, and go on a massive self-sabotage because at least then I have control over feeling even more crap. That makes sense to me, anyway.
After several days of freaking out, depression and tantrums, I’m trying really hard today to focus on things that I can do in the short-term as it’s better than just sitting in bed all day being sad about the seemingly lack of interesting anything in my future.
So, with that being said, tomorrow I am signing up for a part-time Front-End Web Development class at General Assembly, and I’m really excited about it. I’ve been wanting to learn to code for ages, but couldn’t bring myself to do another thing online. I am somewhat concerned about this course as it is in the evenings just off of Brick Lane, so not only will I have to travel for about an hour twice a week, it’ll be cold and I’ll be exhausted because, y’know, just existing is exhausting. But all I can do is try, and I feel like right now I need to be learning a tangible skill and just going out and doing something. I’m also thinking of taking yiddish classes, because I’m the coolest.
Today I also started a three day juice cleanse. While I don’t advocate juice cleanses for most people, I know that they really help me when I’m in the middle of a particularly bad self-sabotage to just not have to think about food and get back on track with eating healthily. It’s so hard to convince yourself to cook and look after yourself when you just feel like crap and even when you try really hard you just have horrid flare ups.
So this is my current plan. I don’t know how I’ll manage or how I’m going to feel, but all I can do is try. I’m still freaking out about post-course options (I can’t just keep spending money that I don’t really have on courses) but for now I’m trying to focus on doing something and hoping that will make me feel a bit better about everything that’s going on. But seriously, being sick is a full time bloody job. And it’s so expensive! I should be paid for this 😉
Happy (rainy and miserable!) Bank Holiday Monday, guys x I’d love to hear if you’ve been struggling with similar experiences and if you have any tips for those freakout times!
If you liked this post, please subscribe to my updates above and follow me on Bloglovin and Pinterest!
If you’re in your teens or 20’s and are struggling with chronic illness, check out my coaching services for a friendly face to talk to.