This is a familiar feeling. Laying (semi) flat on my back (thank you robobed) feeling absolutely horrendous. I know this isn’t a post about recipes, but I really want to share all aspects of my healing journey with you, especially when things are more difficult. Healing is a long and difficult process, and while we sometimes make incredible strides, we often face heartbreakingly difficult setbacks that we just don’t talk about enough when we’re trying to ‘inspire’ others.
Last Friday I went out for dinner with my friend Lucy to the Wild Food Cafe and I was so excited. I had seen that they were serving a raw ‘steak’, and having been missing steak big time, I was just dying to go. Squeezed into a corner, Lucy and I tucked in. The steak was fine. The mushrooms were exceptional. But Lucy’s raw pizza (as always) was to die for, so we ended up sharing meals. Even though the pizza is rather histamine heavy, and I have reacted in the past, I don’t really think about that so much anymore. About an hour and a half after sitting down, feeling happily full, I started to get a wave of fatigue come over me. I had ‘drunk eyes’ and said “I’m so tired” in response to everything Lucy said. Without realising that was all I was capable of saying. All of a sudden my joint pain shot through the roof, I felt sick, dizzy, peculiar. My skin felt like it was being stabbed by a million needles. Something I hadn’t experienced for months. Something I was hoping I’d never have to experience again.
I wasn’t sure what was going on, but we left and I made it home. Maybe it was a really severe allergic reaction? I could barely get my clothes off because my skin was hurting so much. I was shaking, and barely could figure out what was going on.
And then the depression sets in. Unlike many people I know, I have reactive depression. It comes about as a result of my health getting worse. It’s so frustrating when I work so hard every day at healing and then just slam straight into a brick wall. It’s difficult, it’s frustrating, and it’s demoralising. Especially when you think you’re doing so well. That’s the curse of the chronic illness.
I know that recently I have been taking on a lot. I have a full time job (responsibility=stress), my whole Nutritiously Natasha thing is starting to gain more traction and I want to capitalise on that by speaking to and meeting all the people I can, as well as a number of other smaller projects I’m involved in. I know this is probably too much, but it doesn’t feel like it is. I’m getting better at resting, but I still am an ambitious person that has so much to offer. I can’t always just make myself stop. I don’t want to. So maybe it’s partly that. I have also been eating out more (less control over the food I eat) and haven’t been juicing/drinking as much tea as I should. Mainly because I’ve been to tired to do so.
I’m proud of myself that I managed to get through yesterday’s picnic, and that people couldn’t tell just how ill I was. That’s a skill that I have picked up over the years. Fake it til you make it. There’s no way in hell I wasn’t going to go to that thing. I put in so much effort, and seeing just how many people came (60-70ish?!) was insanely ridiculous. So yes, it was my (co)baby, and I needed to go.
Day three with essentially no food is now upon me. Even drinking a sip of water is causing my body to cramp up and my nausea to go through the roof. I’m dizzy to the extent I was in my old (bad) POTS days, I have a horrid upset stomach (although there’s nothing in there to upset it right now – puzzle me that!), and my brain isn’t really working at all.
I’m not sure if I’ve picked up some kind of bug, I’ve got a weird amalgamation of old symptoms for some reason, or if I’ve got some whole new thing I need to learn to deal with. I hope this clears soon. Otherwise it looks like I’m back on the easiest diet in the world. Rolls eyes.