I was going to write a blog post about this but my brain isn’t really functioning. So instead, here’s a brain dump of some of my current “why the fuck” feelings. It’s my blog. I’ma do what I want, yo.
Why the fuck should I have to “perform” my disability for someone to believe me?
Why the fuck does taking pride in my appearance somehow make my explanation of my ill health less legitimate?
Why the fuck did I essentially have to beg someone who worked at the tube station for help when I could barely move and he rolled his eyes until I produced two pieces of evidence that I am in fact disabled?
Why the fuck should I be made to feel bad or lazy because I’m not doing things that I said right from the beginning I wouldn’t be able to do?
Why the fuck should I be told “well that’s life” when I try and explain how I feel my life has been taken away from me and that “no it’s not fucking life” because if I was well enough to do something about it I would?
Why the fuck can’t they find something to help me?
Why the fuck did I have to give a lecture to someone outside of the disabled loos about why I’m “entitled” to use them
Why the fuck did a DOCTOR try to delegitimise my entire diagnosis by telling me I can’t have EDS because my thumbs aren’t hypermobile?
Why the fuck was I told by a PAIN MANAGEMENT SPECIALIST to expect less of myself because I’m unwell?
Why the fuck do I never feel rested?
Why the fuck can’t I find a job that I’m well enough to do that actually pays enough to live off of?
Why the fuck can’t I write a coherent blog post?
Why the fuck is this all getting to me now?
Why the fuck to keep getting support from the government do I have to go through an entire humiliating reassessment to “prove” myself, when the nature of the whole “chronic” thing is that it’s chronic?
Why the fuck do I have to pretend to be ok all the time?
Why the fuck is it getting harder to pretend to be ok all the time?
Why the fuck do people think it’s ok to offer unsolicited advice?
Why the fuck do people think that parroting the pseudo-religious bollocks of “if you just the right way you’ll be cured” is ok?
Why don’t people understand that correlation does not equal causation?
Why the fuck can’t the weather make up its mind?
Why the fuck can’t I just sleep for the rest of the year?
Why am I being “unreasonable” or “dramatic” when this stuff pisses me off?
Why the fuck do I keep trying?
Why the fuck can’t I think of anything else to write?
This post also appeared on the Huffington Post.